Showing posts with label Sexuality and the Bible. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexuality and the Bible. Show all posts

Mid-May Link Day

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Since it's been more than 10 months since I last shared links, I have about thirty gazillion links saved in my bookmarks folder to share with you all... and it's really getting ridiculous. So, even pared down, here's a quite large collection of what I think of, or at one time thought of, as interesting, worthwhile, or challenging reading. Also, I'll punctuate it with pictures of my cute kids, just because I can. Enjoy!

LIFE AT HOME
HOMESCHOOLING
EVERYDAY LIFE & ITS STRUGGLES
CRAFTING AND COOKING
SOCIAL, RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL, OR OTHERWISE INTERESTING ISSUES
AND, IN TRUE MAKING HOME TRADITION, SOMETHING FUNNY TO FINISH OFF THIS LINKFEST:

 

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Three Must-Reads

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Catherine R. wrote a moving post a little more than a year ago about her own experience with abortion... and then one day she up and deleted her whole blog in a moment of exasperation. Last week, she wrote her thoughts out once again, and I highly recommend you read her honest account and thoughts laid out here:

My friend Kelly faithfully writes, day after day, to encourage married women in the area of intimacy & love. This week, she wrote a post that (from what people write here @ MH, & say in e-mails) I think that many, many women need to read:

This week, two families that we know brought home their adoptive children-- one family, after waiting for nearly 3 years for the sibling group they adopted from Haiti, and another couple, after facing infertility for many years, and unexpectedly getting a call while they were on vacation. Every time-- and I mean EVERY time-- I hear an adoption story, it touches my heart in a place that few things do. Just today I found myself daydreaming about volunteering in an orphanage or children's home... and at least a couple times each year, Doug & I find ourselves having the "should we adopt now?" discussion, which has (so far) been held off. Perhaps one day.

But for anyone who is even remotely interested, even in just helping another family to be able to adopt, this post is monumentally helpful and important. With the main blogpost written as an awesome testimony to how God has provided for several adoptions in her family, plus over 60 (so far) comments thrown in by others with their stories & tips, this is a rich resource full of ideas for how to afford adoption:

Many blessings, all, and happy reading!

 

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Show & Tell: An April Blogging Bonanza!

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Well, since slowing down blogging a while back, I haven't done a Show & Tell, and I know there are some of you out there who love these things. Lemme tell ya, this one's a doozie. So let's get right to it:

A LITTLE OF THIS, A LITTLE OF THAT:
GROWING THINGS?

AROUND THE HOUSE:

COOK UP SOMETHING TASTY:

THOUGHTS ON CHILD REARING:

HOMESCHOOLING

CONCERNING MARITAL INTIMACY:

FOR WOMEN ONLY (REALLY!!!)-- WHAT I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU BUT HAVEN"T HAD THE GUTS TO DO A SEPARATE POST ABOUT:

ABOUT BLOGGING:

THE SHOW & TELL WRAP-UP: Good for a laugh!
As always, happy reading! And Happy May! :)

 

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Single OR Married: Intimacy = Not a Sliding Scale, But a Step

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Dr. Michael Lawrence, a Pastor at Capitol Hill along with Mark Dever and others, put out what I think is an EXCELLENT series on Christian sexuality, dating, and marriage, with one topic directed at men, one topic for women, and Q & A sessions for both groups.

Jerod has grouped them all here in one nice & neat blog post for ease of accessibility. Each selection takes roughly one hour, and they are all highly relevant and quite engaging. Please take time to listen to any and all of them that fit your needs or interest.

I want to share one particular clip that gives a taste of the unique wisdom you'll find in the series, and also invite you to share your thoughts about this quote in the comments. After explaining that the act of sex is a part of marriage, he asks:
What about everything else, though? What about everything that falls short of actual sexual intercourse/penetration?

Well, I think typically, we as evangelicals have bought into a very secular idea that views other acts of sexual intimacy on a sliding scale. And we all in our own minds, in our own conscience, try to draw a line somewhere. And we say, "Okay, on this side of the line, that's far enough away from sex that it's okay, and on that side of the line, okay, that's beginning to feel enough like sex that it must not be OK, or it might lead in the wrong direction."

I want to suggest to you that when God created sex, He knew what He was doing. And He created sex and sexual intimacy and all the things that are associated with sexual intimacy, in such a way that they work really well. The married men in the room know what I'm talking about.

What I want to say to you single men is that most of the things, well, probably all the things that you put on this side of the line that are "safe", and you think in your dating/courtship relationship, "I can do this because it's not sex", married men do with their wives and they call it foreplay. And the reason they call it foreplay is because God designed it in such a way that it leads to sexual intercourse.

It's like a one-way street. There are a lot of things that you pass on this one way street called "sexual intimacy", and there are a lot of things you can do on that one way street short of actual intercourse. But God made that street to run in one direction. It's heading somewhere, guys, and you know it's heading somewhere. That's why you like it; that's why it feels good. Because God designed those things to lead you to enjoy an experience of that full intimacy in the context of marriage.

So I want to suggest that at even the pragmatic level, if you don't intend to go where that street's leading you, then don't get on it. ...Sexual intimacy is designed to escalate and proceed to a goal that God designed. Foreplay works; it gets you to sex. If you buy the biblical teaching that sex is designed for marriage only, then don't start playing with the things that lead you there.
He later makes the point that intimacy should not be seen as a sliding scale, where you kind of slide into intimacy--but rather, as a step, where once you get married, you step into a relationship that now includes the sexual intimacy that you have not enjoyed prior to that point.

I wish I had heard such straightforward, commonsense advice when I was a teen & college student. I certainly fell into the trap of thinking of sexual intimacy as divided into two categories: actual sex, and "things other than sex". This kind of transparency about God's design for & God's delight in marital intimacy is so crucial in this day and age when sexual intimacy is treated as just another valid option on the smorsgasborg of enjoyable choices for a date night as a single. Putt-putt? Make out so he'll ask me out again? See the latest movie? Wear something revealing since it's our third date?

Clearly, the current system and view of sexuality (even in Christian circles) isn't producing successful and faithful marriages. Or even, as it often promises, more "free" and happy people. In fact, when we follow the cultural systems presented to us, it leads to bondage, depression, and brokenness. I think this kind of biblical picture of intimacy needs to be painted loudly and often to this oversexualized-in-all-the-wrong-ways world.

So tell me your thoughts. Dating. Intimacy. What's expected. Why you think this advice is right/wrong. How we can communicate these things to our children and offer this kind of biblical view of intimacy as God's gift to married couples.

Let's talk about it!

 

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New Years Diversions... (January's Mega Show & Tell Post)

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FEATURE ARTICLE: CONSIDER YOUR LEGACY
Two women in the same newspaper... which has the greater legacy, and which should we be striving for?
"One is a public figure who grasps at power and prestige like a drowning man to a life preserver, who is admired because she can shoulder her way in a world once deemed to belong only to men. She seeks dominance, perhaps for its own sake. And then there is a modest country woman whose success can be measured in the productive lives of her many descendents and the remembrance by hundreds of her steady and consistent virtue passed on to generations. They were both in the same newspaper. Which one has the real power?" Read the whole article here.

SPIRITUAL GROWTH:KICKING 2009 OFF RIGHT:
WOMANHOOD:PARENTING & RELATED ISSUES:
ABORTION:
LINKS THAT EXPRESS SOME OF MY RECENT THOUGHTS ABOUT BLOGGING:
GOOD REMINDERS:
  • Take the picture while you can.
  • You can make your own baby food-- it's better, cheaper, and extremely easy!
  • Interesting thoughts about praising your kids.
  • Breastfeeding moms: GET PLENTY OF IRON! (I didn't, and began having slight fainting spells a couple weeks ago. Once I began taking my iron supplements again, they went away.)
  • Married women: Just Say "Yes"! My good friend Kelly just started this blog for encouraging married women... let me tell you, she is one inspiring lady in this area of blessing your husband with a fulfilling intimate life. So check out her blog, and consider adding it to your bloglines account!
  • Sheila shares an interesting thought about why many women don't enjoy sex... and a way to rightly "awaken love". Perhaps this could help you?
Thoughts on FOOD & CAKE DECORATING:
RANDOM BUT (potentially) INTERESTING:
GOOD FOR A LAUGH:
Happy reading!!!

 

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In Case Ya Missed It #1: When Sex Drives Don't "Match"

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At the beginning of this year (can you believe 2008 is gone? and how OLD does THAT make me sound???), I thought I'd take the opportunity to highlight a few great articles that came out during the Christmas season... and (if you know me, you won't be surprised by this...) the first one is a GREAT article by John Piper called "How should a husband and wife manage having opposite sex-drives?"

He points to 1 Corinthians 7 and offers this commentary:
What that text says is, "Compete with each other about how to bring the other person joy, to maximize the other person's gladness and satisfaction." Now that does not solve the problems, but it gives you an orientation that is so wholesome and so helpful.

It doesn't solve the problems because, if she says, "I'm too tired for sexual intercourse," and he is communicating, "It would be really nice right now," she should give and he should relent. That's the way it should be. His heart should be, "I'm not going to make you do this, no matter how strong I feel," and hers should be, "I'm here for you, no matter how tired I am."

Now, how does that bring a solution? It's a matter of degrees, I think, and who at that moment is maybe the most sanctified. Who is experiencing the grace to yield?

I just think that we should preach hard to husbands, "Serve her. Don't manipulate or use her. Don't turn her into a manikin for masturbation. Don't treat her that way. She's a human. You want her all there. You don't want to use her. You want her there—there, enjoying you. That's the point of this: mutual consummation, psychologically, spiritually, and now expressed physically." And those are the best moments of all, when the physical event is the consummation of a spiritual, psychological whole event.

I think we should be preaching to men, "Don't think of your wife as an instrument to be used for sexual satisfaction. Think of her as a whole person who has her own deep longings and desires. And you want to live in such a way as to draw her in."

Foreplay begins with whether you're washing the dishes or not. That's foreplay. If you help her wash the dishes after supper, if you help her clean up, if you serve this woman—this is about sex, right? Because if she has made a nice supper, and you finish it and go plop yourself on the couch and watch TV for three hours, getting red-hot sexually because you're watching 50 sexually-stimulating advertisements, and then at 10:30 say, "I'm ready!" she's not going to be ready! That's ridiculous.

So what I'm saying is that spouses manage their different sex drives by loving each other like they love themselves. They should not be demanding, but should each try to serve the other. And they meet somewhere in the middle in a way that both of them perceive the other wants the good of the other. Neither feels used by the other.


YES, YES, YES!!! (And by the way, there's much more in the article... I'd encourage you to read the whole thing.)

This is yet another reason why I am so grateful for John Piper. He not only holds fast to the Word, and tells it like it is, but also makes it plain why God's ways really are the best ways and hold the very best things for us, in our lives and relationships.

 

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Show & Tell: November Notions

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Looking for stuff to ponder? Learn about? Be challenged by? Here are my "show and tell" offerings for November-- enjoy!

FEATURED ARTICLE
Thoughts on Blogging
Thoughts on Life With Kids:
Thoughts on Womanhood
Thoughts on Saving Money
Thoughts on Homeschooling
In the "Amen" Corner:
Enjoy... there's some good stuff here.

 

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Sex & Spiritual Warfare

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Mark Driscoll has been releasing a series of lectures about spiritual warfare. Like virtually everything Mars Hill puts out, it's worth listening to. I'd encourage you to download the series if you want to consider Driscoll's thoughts on "Spiritual Warfare".

Specifically, though, within this portion of the lecture series (part 2 out of 4), he has some interesting thoughts about spiritual warfare and marital intimacy worthy of our consideration. On the surface, this may seem totally different from anything you've ever heard. But pull out your Bible and hear what he's saying:
"If you want to help people, you've got to know your Bible and you've got to be very theologically precise. Because so much of what constitutes spiritual warfare is false teaching; it's heresy. Sometimes it's very obvious, sometimes very, very subtle.

"... Let me start with the "ordinary" demonic. When people think of the demonic, they tend to think of the extraordinary [things]... bizarre exorcisms, those kinds of things. The ordinary demonic is very subtle. I've got a list of examples: sexual sin.

"1 Corinthians 7:5 says that a married couple that is Christian should have sexual relations frequently; they shouldn't deny one another but by mutual consent and for a time. Otherwise Satan will get in there and destroy everything.

"How many of you would think that a couple that doesn't have enough sex is experiencing demonic spiritual warfare? It's true. How many Christian marriages divorce? Well, statistically, more than those that are not Christian. When non-Christians can work it out at a rate that is more successful than Christians, that would indicate to me that Satan really has found a way to climb into bed between a husband and a wife and, in one way or another, cause devastation.

"When I'm meeting with a couple, and the husband says, "my wife's not been very nice to me, so I'm gonna deny her sex. And until she's nice to me, I'm gonna withhold it.", that's demonic. The wife who says, "ya know, I'm just never in the mood, and I know you love me and we have a decent marriage, and there's no reason... , but I don't feel like giving it to you",... that's demonic.

"To be sure, there are sex addicts in marriage who are unreasonable in their expectations of their spouse. But what I'm talking about is the common situation where one person in the marriage wants to be intimate more often than the other, and they're rejected. They become bitter. Satan comes in and feeds that bitterness, baits the hook of their flesh with the temptation of the world. And all of a sudden, Satan puts in front of them images, people, and opportunities to lead them astray. It doesn't make anyone a victim, because we all of our own choosing sin. But it does mean that you're giving Satan an opportunity to literally sleep between you and your spouse.

"...Are you having enough sex? ...I rarely have had a counseling appointment where they both say, "I'm satisfied with the frequency and freedom of our sexual relationship." One says, "yeah, I think we're fine", and the other person says, "I'm totally frustrated. It's not very often; it's not very fun; it's very predictable; it's hard for me to rejoice in the wife of my youth." Sometimes it's the wife saying, "He doesn't pursue me, he doesn't touch me, he doesn't desire me, he doesn't compliment me. I've got other men who compliment me, pursue me emotionally, and are desirous of me." And I say, 'Wow, Satan is here. He is at work.'

"I want you to have that image-- that a couple that's not having free, frequent intimacy-- when they go to bed, just think of Satan lying in the bed between the two of them. That's what Paul's talking about in 1 Corinthians 7:5. It really is a big issue. It's not just, 'I'm more amorous than you are'... this is demonic. It's demonic. "

Some people might feel that Driscoll takes this thing too far. I personally think he's spot on. Have you ever thought about sex this way? Read back through it and consider if Satan might be trying to get in between you and your husband in this way. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy-- and that includes stealing, killing, and destroying marriages, as our culture readily shows. Driscoll gets it.

 

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Some Subtle Effects of the Birth Control Culture

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Lately, I've been noticing some trends that I think are directly attributable to the rise-- indeed the expectancy-- of birth control use in our culture. I'd like to talk through them one by one so it's clear what I'm getting at. I believe that there are consequences that are a direct result of our culture's embracing of the birth control mindset as normative, and here are a few.
  • #1: Young couples are thought irresponsible when they get pregnant right away...
...because, the implication is, any "wise" couple would wait and follow the oft-given advice (even by pastors) that you should "take a few years to get to know each other" first. This basic assumption overlooks the fact that even with birth control usage, regular intercourse often leads to a pregnancy. Indeed, that is the general plan of God's design for marital intimacy.

It also overlooks the fact that children are a part of God's design for sanctification of parents, and that the continuation of a self-focused lifestyle has not served America's "Christian" marriages well.
  • #2- "Was it planned?" is no longer deemed a rude and quite personal question, but in fact, is seen as a natural question...
...because, the way our culture sees it, it is up to us to "plan" when life will begin according to our own time tables and goals. The abortion-on-demand mindset tells us that we can control when life ends, so why not believe that we have full control of when it begins as well?
  • #3- Children are often seen, and even referred to, as an "accident".
Perhaps you've been fortunate enough to not ever have actually heard someone call their child by such an insulting description (an "oops baby", or "our little accident")... but it's all too common. Linked to the idea above, this whole notion is a natural attitude when we believe that we are the ones in control of life.
  • #4- Large families are often seen as incredible (and thus, put on an undeserved pedestal) or insane (and thus, sneered at behind their backs)...
...because once you can control how many "little buggars" you get, someone who has more than the two (or maybe three, if your first two are of the same gender) MUST be either Mother Teresa, or one step away from the loony bin.
  • #5- Anyone who has clearly NOT bought into the birth control culture at any point is seen as fair game for jokes, criticism, or invasive questions, because (it is assumed) they "chose" something different...
...because now, the "norm" is obvious: it is assumed that you WILL limit your own family size, shape, and timing according to your own will. The family that has two children 14 months apart gets jokes ("Haven't you figured out how that happens?" hardee-har-har) and eyerolls at their (implied) stupidity. The couple that has struggled with infertility now feels obligated to share that very personal information, because others imply or outright state that they are intentionally avoiding children, calling them selfish or scared. (Talk about adding insult to injury!) And of course, there's the classic large family comments.
  • #6- By extension, because they "chose" their family size, the larger-than-average family is often expected to never lack, to never struggle with discipline, to never be tired, etc.... even by Brothers and Sisters in Christ.
Don't believe me? Think again.

If a two-year-old in a family of seven children has tantrums or is wearing mismatched clothes, it's because "the mom is spread too thin". But if that same child is the only child of two doting parents, it's because "bless his heart; he's a normal two-year-old" and because independent little two-year-olds love to pick out their own clothes.

If a mother of three children is exhausted as she's pregnant with her fourth, it's likely to be met with an "I told you so" attitude from those who have already inappropriately shared their thoughts about family size. And she rarely gets sympathy. More likely, she'll get a "you made your bed, now lie in it" perspective from most of the people around her. But a first time mother struggling with morning sickness gets sympathetic comments and offers for how others can help.

And lest you think I'm just whining as a mom of four, I'm really not... I'm just stating things the way I've plainly seen them. And these are things I hear from many of you, my friends and readers.
  • #7- A young professional women is "throwing her career away" if she opts to stay home with her new baby....
...because she could have controlled that for another 10 years, and really DONE something with her life, don't ya know?
  • #8- Couples are often shocked and dismayed when they struggle with infertility...
...because the whole issue is so framed by an "in control" attitude. It seems so easy to NOT have children, and thus, it should be easy TO have them, right? Sadly, many modern couples either aren't even marrying until less fertile ages, and then may find themselves desperate to have children... or they have followed the common advice to take some time for themselves, only to find that once they finally get off the pill, they struggle to get pregnant at all.

Even the couple who would love to have children and hasn't put it off or waited gets rude comments from family and friends because our culture has such an "if you want it, you can get it" attitude about everything, including children. And underlying all of it is the cultural idea of "rights"... that we have the right to have children or not have them, whenever we so desire.
  • #9- OTHER EFFECTS
I won't even go into the rise in casual sex (a.k.a. fornication), affairs (a.k.a. adultery), and abortion (a.k.a. murder) due to the ease of birth control procurement and use.

SO WHAT'S THE SOLUTION???
The answer isn't that we bang down the doors of the courts and seek to legislate birth control usage. That ship has sailed.

In my view, the answer IS that Christian couples should seek God's face and become that peculiar people-- a people that stands out as set apart and different from the world around us-- in this area of how we view children. A people who see children as blessings. A people who discipline our children in the Lord, so that we aren't so bowled over by our disobedient, bratty children that we can't STAND the thought of more. A people who aren't afraid to live as strangers in this world that kills and throws away imperfect children, medicates children instead of offering loving discipline, and that acts and thinks as though we are the ones in control of life. Heaven help us!

 

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SEX: What If You Just Don't Want To?

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Got a question (What to do with low libido/low "want to"?) from a friend, and here's what I wrote in response...


I'm just gonna ramble. Hopefully some of this will help you or someone else.

[First of all, I'd like to frame this in terms of what you like for your husband to do for you. For example, if you like him to talk, give you gifts, go shopping with you on Saturday, attend special events together, etc.... whatever it is... first, frame this question in terms of that, "what if he just didn't want to?" Hopefully, his love for you would compel him to work through his "not liking it" so that he can learn to love you in ways that speak love to you. So, as a wife, whether we "want to" or not is actually a side issue.]

WHAT TO DO
Just say yes. And tell him you'll just say yes. Don't say no or beg off ever again.

When you're 85, I don't think you'll ever look back and say, "Wow, I wish we hadn't have connected THAT time. That sure did stink to kiss and hang out nekkid together. That sure was awful to reconnect and refuel in the midst of our busy lives." But I'd bet many a widow DOES look back and wonder why she ever turned that precious man down. Even when he was imperfect (which is ALWAYS). So, don't turn him down. That's a big step, but a GREAT one.

Meet this need for your husband. LOVE HIM the way you'd want him to LISTEN to you. And then, over time, let him know how much it helps you to be heard, or how much it helps you if he'll just x, y, or z. But frankly, don't expect him to change. He may not. We can only change ourselves.

Biblically, and WONDERFULLY, you're the gal. You're the one person that can rightly meet his needs in this area. (And if you don't, then you're disobeying 1 Cor. 7--perhaps unintentionally, but nonetheless, still disobeying.) AND that's the way God intended it-- for OUR good, individually and as a "one flesh" unit, and for HIS glory.

GOD MADE IT THIS WAY
You know how all these boys (I call them boys because that's what they act like) who are 25-35 sit around addicted to video games? And porn? Studies have shown that the neurons and chemicals in their brain that fire are the SAME ones that fire off during making love. The very things that GOD built into their biology to bond them to their wives are bonding them to the computer screen or TV screen. GOD intended this great action to get your husband to be WILD about you. To connect him to you. To give him an AWESOME physical motivation to keep -- and HONOR -- that covenant. Take advantage of that beautiful plan and connect with your husband.

It's been said that women make love after they feel emotionally connected, and men make love TO feel emotionally connected. It's not always true, 100% across the board, but it IS true for the majorities of both men and women. So that helps me remember, that it's really NOT just a physical release he is looking for-- he wants to know we're OK, he wants things to BE OK between us. For me, I need to talk it out. For him, connecting physically lets him know that things ARE "OK" between us.

IT AIN'T JUST FOR HIM-- IT'S FOR YOU TOO!
Another amazing thing that I've found is that the more we do it, the more I want to do it. It's like a fire that needs tending... if I let the coals burn out, it takes a lot longer the next time to get things heated back up and cooking. So, the thing I need to do is "cook" often enough that the coals don't ever get cold. When we regularly tend the fire, it never goes out. But if we do it and then wait a while and then do it again, it seems like such a duty, such a chore.

Also (I'm really going off here, but I haven't blogged all summer, can you tell?!), practice marital hedonism. Just like God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him, seeking our joy and delight in HIM alone... our husbands are most delighted when they know we are so delighted by them. Don't be afraid to let loose and have a rip-roaring good time... to take real pleasure and delight in the bedroom activities you get to share with your husband. He'll love it! God gave us women all those sensitive nerve endings for EXACTLY that purpose!

Interestingly, the media has just reported about a study that shows that optimal sex only takes 3-13 minutes. We make time for everything else in the world-- three to thirteen minutes ain't NOTHIN.

A SIMPLE CHOICE
But besides all that, I guess, for me, what it comes down to is a simple choice: I made a vow to love and honor and cherish this man ... and I want to do it -- not begrudgingly, not because I feel obligated, not because I took the right vitamin to balance things out in my body (although if there is something, then take it!)... but because I LOVE HIM AND HE IS GOD'S PRECIOUS GIFT TO ME. AND THE BIBLE SAYS THAT MY BODY IS HIS BODY-- AND PRAISE GOD, HE WANTS MY BODY-- STRETCHMARKED AND LUMPY THOUGH I MAY THINK IT IS. HE WANTS IT!

This is one area of our marriage that I absolutely focus on... it's not perfect, and it's not what everyone else may desire-- but I really focus in on what HE desires, and I revel in that. Out of all the stuff that takes up our time, our husband is the #1 human being on our list... we're to help him and serve him. It's not popular, but it's true.

We have this fun, laughter-inducing, amazing way to help and love and serve our husbands. Praise God for such a great, creative gift! Let's put it to good use.

 

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It is NOT Our Culture that has Sexualized the Breasts

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This (the idea that our culture has sexualized the breasts) is an oft-repeated notion that drives me crazy. You hear it a lot in the breastfeeding literature-- "oh, our society needs to get over its sexual fascination with the breasts... HELLO! They're for FEEDING BABIES". Yes. That's true. They ARE for feeding babies. And they are ALSO for delighting a husband.

Proverbs 5:18-20:
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
...
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?

Song of Solomon 7:7-9:
Your stature is like a palm tree,
and your breasts are like its clusters.
I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
and the scent of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.


I'm just saying.

American men aren't the only ones who have liked em, ya know? And it's not a sin to like em. It's which ones he is delighted by that makes the difference. So, if you're married, let him delight in yours. ;-) And if you're nursing, don't fool yourself into thinking that discretion is never necessary because "there's nothing sexual" about them. There is. And it ain't new.

And if you disagree, don't take it up with me. Take it up with the Bible, thankyouverymuch.

 

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The Intentional Marriage

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In life, we could just put one foot in front of the other and "make it". OR, we can live intentionally and really engage in the adventure of sanctification God has laid out for us. This is true of all areas of life, but it's definitely true for married life. Here are some ways that Doug & I have gone about intentionally living in, growing in, and fortifying our marriage:

* We talk, talk, talk. That doesn't mean that's all we do... but we talk through the things on our minds and hearts. The stresses, the good things. The difficult and wonderful things. Here's one way that we initially started doing this:
"HIGH/LOW"-- with this, you just share the "HIGH" and the "LOW" for that particular day. It's a low time commitment, but that way you're seeing the good and hard things in each other's lives. We don't do this very often now, because we're so used to talking about life together. But in the beginning of our marriage, particularly in the seasons where we were spending more time apart than together, this helped us to develop the habit of regular communication about the things that matter.
Now, our conversations usually start with, "what's on your mind?" Or, "what are you reading about?"

* We serve each other. He pours me big glasses of sweet tea. I make meals that he specifically likes. He gives me a foot rub several nights a week while we talk on the couch. I organize his books. He'll take the kids to the park so I can have some writing time. I keep the kids quiet some mornings so he can sleep in an extra hour or two. We BOTH contribute to each other's sanity in big and small ways.

* We keep the physical fires fanned and burning. If you've read here much at all, you know this is a big one for me. It's also one that I don't want to give too many specifics about in such a public forum. You can always e-mail me if you want to talk about specific questions/situations, etc. But I will say these things: He's not the only one who initiates. We make this part of our relationship a very crucial, regular, fun, growing, and passionate priority. We work hard to make this a really wonderful time to come together and re-connect. We still flirt with each other. And we don't say no.

On that last point, here are some things that help me put it into perspective:
  1. When I'm 75, will I look back with regret at consistently (or even occasionally) having told him "no" when he tried to pursue me? Or with satisfaction and thankfulness because I really did get outside of myself and love and serve my dh in this area of marital intimacy?
  2. Have I ever regretted doing it? (That old, "it's like exercise" thing-- even when you weren't wanting to, you're never sorry once you've done it.)
  3. I'm the only woman who can righteously love my husband in this way.
  4. My friend Chloe said this-- for women, it can be likened to a campfire... if you keep the coals warm, it's easier to get things blazing again than if you let the fire go out between uses. SO, don't go too long between times. Keep those coals warm and ready for a regular fire.
  5. The optimal sexual encounter lasts between 3 and 13 minutes. SURELY we can make time for 3 to 13 minutes, even on our busiest days!
* We STILL "date" each other. Ours doesn't look like actual "go out to the movies" kind of dates very often ... BUT, our kids are in bed every night by 7:30/8pm. So, we can kind of have a date night whenever we want. Sometimes we'll watch a comedy and laugh together. Or we'll sit on the couch and read together, with our legs touching and the occasional smile and wink as we turn a page. Little things like that can really re-connect you in the midst of the storm. The point is to take time to BE together and enjoy it.

Building the relationship throughout the day:
  • Before he leaves for work, tell him something you respect him for, and give him a big nice long kiss.
  • When he passes you in the kitchen while you're making dinner, flirt with each other... don't lose sight of the fact that this was the man that 3, 10, or 35 years ago, you couldn't WAIT to be around!
  • At dinner, make a point to really talk and listen to each other. Even if it's only for 5-10 minutes of the meal, intentionally connect during that time. Sure, when you have little ones, one of you is cutting pieces of chicken into smaller bites and the other one is grabbing a dish towel cause the child who always spills something at every meal has struck again... but that's life. Enjoy those moments together.
  • Get on the same page about the things that matter... money, kids, extended family relationships, time management, etc. Talk through these things and approach them as working together as a team rather than as each of you picking the other apart or trying to "fix" what's wrong with the other person. And respect his leadership in these areas as the head of the home.
  • Try to still do the things that connected you early on... holding hands, kissing for more than a short peck, leaving each other notes (if you did that), talking about baseball/music/politics (whatever it was you loved discussing together), etc.
  • BUT ALSO-- find some new things that can connect you. Perhaps he's knee-deep in learning about real estate, or the five points of Calvinism, or various approaches to website building, or some such thing. FIND POINTS of discussion and sharing about those things. And share with him the things YOU'RE thinking about and learning. Don't brush each other off and just say, "oh, he's talking about x... I'll never understand why he cares about that." Or "homeschooling is my thing..." and then zone out. Bring each other along for the journeys you're both on. Delight in the things that the other is delighting in. Learn about the things that matter to him (like football drafts, or March Madness). Talk through the things that are troubling you. Share the concerns you have about a particular child's behavior, or the relationship with the in-laws, or the direction your church is heading.

SHARE LIFE TOGETHER. Don't just live life on parallel tracks... get on the SAME track and travel it together.

Something I find helpful during stressful moments is to realize that this is God's adventure for OUR lives. THIS IS MY REAL LIFE. I won't get these moments back, I won't get a re-do. The way I'm living now can't be altered later. The way my marriage is now can't be erased and re-written. I need to walk in the way that I will want to have walked when I am old.

Thoughts? Anything you want to add?

 

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